Not very proud of myself right now


I've messed up.

I'm one of those people who has a very close set of friends. Some of those friends are the type that when wandering out for a gig any Wembley Stadium say hello to every third person because A) They used to work together B) Shared a KFC once or C) Any old thing. I'm not one of those people. My circle of friends is relatively small, but for the most part…bloody amazing and I adore every single one of them in ways that they will never understand and I will never be able to explain. How do people get in to that circle? Well, it could be anything from being rude to me at a wedding in a quite clever way (got me curious), to wandering out of a gig in Wembley saying hello to every third person. Some people just are - you choose who you choose, and your mind often gets little real choice in the matter.

This approach has led me to some amazing places - and it still does - it's got me on planes and I *hate* flying with passion so high it's only shared with Windows Update.

I like to think that I treat people well. That's not so people go hey - thanks for treating me so well! It's so *I* am content with how *I* treat people. I'm not explaining that very well I'll revisit when I've a better wording in my head.

Recently though, some things have happened with one of those people, and this is where it's ended up. With me sat here quite annoyed at myself about how I've let things develop so, and how badly I've let one of my friends down.

This person has been struggling with their mental health for a good few years now, and has had a hellish time from what I've seen of it. I've tried to be around, to help pick them up when needed. Thing is, that's pretty easy isn't it? The picking people up thing.

What isn't easy is when you're on the wrong end of those health problems, and getting treated badly as a result. I didn't handle this so well. Instead all I did was the indignant 'WTaF? Why are you treating me like this?'.

I utterly and completely failed to join things up.

Here's the thing though, if you can at least spot when you've messed up - and being honest, I am not very good at that - it's an opportunity to fix that mess up. So that's my plan.

It's a new day, a new opportunity to be better. I've just couriered somebody some bagels cos I know they like bagels - it's a start.

Still, not very proud of myself right now, and that's just worst kind of proud to have isn't it.

December 2020
March 2019
October 2018